All about that baby: Some reflections

It is Tuesday. Tuesday is the day I talk about motherhood and babies and such because frankly I need an outlet and I’m trying not to talk about it all of the time. I’m in a weird sort of limbo. I only know one other person in this weird limbo and her life is a little more defined than mine is at the moment. Four months ago I had a baby. He is adorable. See…

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I never really expected motherhood. There was a time I really, really wanted it. Years ago, right after I got married I thought a lot about what it might be like. I didn’t think I could have children, at least not without a lot of bother or adoption so I never really considered the nitty gritty aspects of it. After a few years of being with someone who really seemed to not want children I stopped thinking or planning for it at all. When we separated last August I was at that point where I had actually started rationalizing why it was way better that we never had kids and every time I made a decision then it was with the thought “I’m so glad it is just me I have to worry about”. No kids stuff to move, no child to worry about. I was starting over and it is much easier to do that when you are only responsible for yourself. I gave up my dog, got a tiny apartment, and went on a self imposed low cost diet to fit my new responsibilities and general sense of aloneness.

When I moved out I didn’t have much of anything. I had some dishes, a few personal things, and a little bit of money. Almost no furniture to speak of. I slept on an air mattress for six weeks. I slept on a bed on the floor for another few months. I didn’t have a dresser, or even enough hangers. I didn’t have a tv or a couch or much of anything. I acquired a couch eventually. I borrowed a tv. Life went on. I spent the entire month of August in a weird haze of just trying to get by and mourning what I had lost.

A year ago today, on Labor day, after a long day of being out in the heat at the labor fest selling my crafty wares and making balloons to a much smaller crowd than originally anticipated, something weird happened. I can remember the moment like it was just minutes ago. I was standing with Faith and a friend and a gaggle of teenage girls were standing just a few feet from us and all of the sudden their smell hit me. It was awful and strong and reeked of perfume and sweat. I wanted to gag and hurl. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. It was weird. My friend made a joke. A harmless innocent joke about me being pregnant. That was the moment my mind was opened up to the possibility and it was terrifying.

How could I possibly be pregnant (hahahahaha)? This was the exact wrong moment in my life. I was alone. My husband and I were getting along like oil and water. I was not in any way, shape, form or fashion ready for that thought. I shrugged it off and decided it couldn’t possibly be. I think even then I knew. A couple of days later I took a pregnancy test. Then I took six more because I didn’t believe the first one. How could this be? I mean I knew the logistics, but I just couldn’t believe it. A part of my mind decided it had to be cancer. My hormones were messing with the test and I had cancer. So I booked an appointment with a doctor and two weeks after my appointment I told the world there was to be a mini me because turns out it wasn’t cancer, just a fast swimming little bean of a Carl who grew and grew.

A lot has changed since then. I am much more acquainted with babies now. I’m also much more forgiving of the transgressions and annoyances of others. My relationship with my own mother improved while my relationship with my inlaws pretty much went down the tubes (except Inez of course). I’m still at a relationship impasse in the marriage department but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m in a house not a tiny apartment. Same job. Entirely different clothes size. I still like getting up early and I still read every chance I get but now I do it with a mini me running around. I turn 26 this month and I am really excited to be celebrating it with Carl and all those other important people. This isn’t the life I planned for or expected but I am enjoying it, moment by moment, bit by bit.

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