Humans like to be prepared.. I like to be prepared. When I found out I was pregnant I made a spreadsheet and filled it in based on what I thought I would need for Carl from now until he is an adult (basically). It has changed over the last year. It used to be all diapers, and baby furniture and tiny clothes and now it is about learning materials and clothes from now until size 8 (which considering he in in 12month clothes right now is pretty far out). I like to be prepared. If I do my taxes I mentally prepare myself to be audited. If I plan a party I prepare for no one and everyone to come so that when I get about halfway between that I will be prepared. I don’t let myself hope for things anymore, I simply prepare for the worst and if something good happens then all the better.
I prepared myself for a divorce. I spent a lot of time thinking about all the ways in which I could fix my marriage, what I had done wrong, how I could fix it, if this or that would just fall into place. I put a strange amount of hope into something I knew wasn’t fixable and more than that I probably wouldn’t want it even if it could be fixed. Then I prepared myself for the idea of being divorced. Or at least I thought I did. I started thinking seriously about divorce almost two years ago. I moved out. I did my own thing. I was almost ready, and then I found out I was pregnant. That put a whole bunch of other complications into the idea of divorce so I stopped thinking and preparing for a while. Then I had a sweet little exhausting newborn, infant, and then almost toddler. That time passes swiftly especially if you are trying to do most of it yourself. Inevitably I started thinking about divorce again. And then one day I saw something that just flipped the switch for me. I take a really long time to make a decision but once I do I am ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
So I saw a lawyer, and I payed all the fees myself, and I got the papers together, and I started the conversations and I pushed and pushed and cried a little. I got to feel unwanted yet again. I got to feel that pain of abandonment again. I got to feel the hope that seeing the light at the end of the tunnel will bring. And finally I got to sign the papers and so did he. Barring something terrible and given another 26-41 days and a judges signature I will be officially divorced.I will be under 30 and divorced. I thought I was prepared for how that would feel. I thought I would be sadder, and I am sad, but I am also relieved. I can live again. I mean I have been living, but not really for me, mostly for Carl. And don’t get me wrong I love being a mom, but I am also a woman and still a young one at that. This doesn’t have to be how my story ends I have a ton of story left to tell. I needed that realization. I need that to be reality. So while I still plan to be a great mom and a great employee and a great friend I can now also be a great me because I have all the parts of me back again.